My Dear Supporters:
It is with deep pain in my heart that I come to you today with what I believe to be a conspiracy within the ranks of my competitors, the likes of which modern politics have never seen. A plan so deeply rooted, so insidious, it threatens to tear apart the very fabric of our great nation.
What is this conspiracy? The answer can be found in most citizens' pockets.
The following allegations are part history lesson, part conspiracy theory, and 100% pure evil.
Folks, it is my contention that the State Quarter program is being used as a means of subliminally swaying voters in the favor of the Republican ticket.
It all started a few weeks ago. I had just returned from the bank and had in my possession a roll of shiny new quarters. They were brand new. Really shiny. It was the latest installment of State Quarters. I unrolled it and, there staring me in the face was...Alaska. Palin! A few days later, another trip to the bank, another roll of shiny quarters unrolled...Arizona. McCain!
We all know the state quarteres are being released over 10 years, based on the order of their admittance into the union. This year, 5 state quarters are being released, including Arizona (June) and Alaska (August).
Coincidence? Read on.
The Republican Revolution or Revolution of '94 is what the Republican Party dubbed their success in the 1994 U.S. midterm elections, which resulted in gaining 54 seats in the House of Representatives, and eight seats in the Senate.
In 1996, with the House and Senate under Republican control, they approved the State Quarter program, with a commence date of 1999.
Why did they wait two years after gaining control of Congress to do this? And why does the State Quarter plan last ten years, rather than, say, five or twenty?
Ladies and Gentlemen, I put forth to you that the Republicans deliberately approved this quarter program in 1996, with a ten year run span, starting in 1999 so that Alaska and Arizona quarters would be released in the pivotal election year of 2008. These quarters would be used to subconsciously sway voters to vote for the Senator from Arizona and his running mate, the Alaskan governor.
Think it's a stretch? Read on. The conspiracy goes back farther!
Alaska and Arizona are two of the last three states to gain admission into the U.S. (Hawaii, is number 50)
Arizona joined in 1912 under the presidency of William Howard Taft (REPUBLICAN) and Alaska was admitted in 1959 under the presidency of Dwight Eisenhower (REPUBLICAN). These two acts, which seemed like minor events in American history at the time, are now being seen for what they truly are: Part of a vast conspiracy to steal away the 2008 presidency.
I believe that the 1996 Republican-dominated Congress took action to fulfill a treacherous conspiracy 84 years in the making.
Today, I give my solemn word to continue digging at the facts until we can uncover all the players involved in such surreptitious, such benedictine acts.
Thank You and good day.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
A Simple Solution
Everyone is worried about the economy. Jobs are being lost and future retirees are facing a depleted savings account. The Dow continues to slide.
I have a solution. As a first order of business in the Wildfire Coffee Administration, I will push Congress to pass the "Wildfire Big Flip."
This proposal will provide a short-term fix and set the foundation of a long-term solution. It is important when we face the huge mountain in front of us, that we realize climbing it begins with a single step.
The Wildfire Big Flip can easily be explained by the following diagrams (and, yes, I do believe it is as easy as it looks!):
The Dow Jones average today.
The Dow Jones average after the Big Flip.
I have a solution. As a first order of business in the Wildfire Coffee Administration, I will push Congress to pass the "Wildfire Big Flip."
This proposal will provide a short-term fix and set the foundation of a long-term solution. It is important when we face the huge mountain in front of us, that we realize climbing it begins with a single step.
The Wildfire Big Flip can easily be explained by the following diagrams (and, yes, I do believe it is as easy as it looks!):
The Dow Jones average today.
The Dow Jones average after the Big Flip.Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
The Return of Happy Hour
In these times of economic turmoil, it seems more businesses are turning to the age-old 'Happy Hour' to increase traffic during the slow afternoons. Whether you're in the mood for cheap ale or half-priced burgers, chances are you can find a business offering it. Even some services are being offered at tremendous discounts in mid-afternoons.
Aside from the aesthetics of its name, Happy Hour — or hours in some cases — offers the win-win advantages this country so desperately needs at a time like this. Consumers are able to save money on products and services they may need or want while businesses experience an uptick in business. With so many small businesses treading the ever finer line, this could be the difference between success and failure.
At Wildfire, we don't do Happy Hour. I'm sorry if you were expecting something else.
Aside from the aesthetics of its name, Happy Hour — or hours in some cases — offers the win-win advantages this country so desperately needs at a time like this. Consumers are able to save money on products and services they may need or want while businesses experience an uptick in business. With so many small businesses treading the ever finer line, this could be the difference between success and failure.
At Wildfire, we don't do Happy Hour. I'm sorry if you were expecting something else.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
My Plan to Keep America Happy
Hello my fellow Coffee Drinkers:
I'd like to expound my Five-Point Plan to Keep America Happy.
1: Increase Dependence on Foreign Coffees.
Folks, this is my foreign policy. If elected, I will open a dialogue with coffee-producing countries with the expressed goal of creating the what I term "The Golden River."
We all know quality coffees come from such places as Brazil, Indonesia, India, Kenya...and just about every corner of the earth. Americans deserve the best coffees available, and my goal is to bring it to them.
2: Reduce Dependence on Cream and Sugar.
Cream and Sugar: the real axis of evil. Enough Said.
3: Eliminate the Green Initiative.
Ladies and gentlemen, "Big Green" has overtaken us, invading our communities and spreading its ills for too long! The landscape of our country and what we hold dear has been compromised over the last 20 years. Wildfire is committed to changing that with Point 4:
4: Introduce the Wildfire "Go Brown" Initiative.
It's this simple folks: Quality Coffee. There is no reason any American should have to drink dreck. In the Wildfire administration, our public will enjoy the great taste of quality, dark coffee without the shackles of cream and sugar.
5: Immigration Reform."Let the Coffees In!"
Wildfire believes in making it as simple as possible for foreign coffees to come to our great country and find opportunity. The opportunity to satisfy your needs.
With your vote, we can make this Five Point Plan a reality!
Thank You.
I'd like to expound my Five-Point Plan to Keep America Happy.
1: Increase Dependence on Foreign Coffees.
Folks, this is my foreign policy. If elected, I will open a dialogue with coffee-producing countries with the expressed goal of creating the what I term "The Golden River."
We all know quality coffees come from such places as Brazil, Indonesia, India, Kenya...and just about every corner of the earth. Americans deserve the best coffees available, and my goal is to bring it to them.
2: Reduce Dependence on Cream and Sugar.
Cream and Sugar: the real axis of evil. Enough Said.
3: Eliminate the Green Initiative.
Ladies and gentlemen, "Big Green" has overtaken us, invading our communities and spreading its ills for too long! The landscape of our country and what we hold dear has been compromised over the last 20 years. Wildfire is committed to changing that with Point 4:
4: Introduce the Wildfire "Go Brown" Initiative.
It's this simple folks: Quality Coffee. There is no reason any American should have to drink dreck. In the Wildfire administration, our public will enjoy the great taste of quality, dark coffee without the shackles of cream and sugar.
5: Immigration Reform."Let the Coffees In!"
Wildfire believes in making it as simple as possible for foreign coffees to come to our great country and find opportunity. The opportunity to satisfy your needs.
With your vote, we can make this Five Point Plan a reality!
Thank You.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
My Fellow Coffee Drinkers...
My Fellow Coffee Drinkers,
I, like many of you, am deeply concerned with the current economic crisis. As banks, mortgage, and insurance firms are grappling with the realities of the situation, we, the common folks that make up this great country, are left wondering, "What now?"
Home foreclosures, high gas prices and uncertainty at our local banks are combining to form a perfect storm of economic doubt. Worst of all, we've heard stories of some citizens faced with the agonizing decision of purchasing canned coffee at the grocery store!
In recent weeks, I created an exploratory committee to formulate a viable exit from this crises. This think-tank I spearheaded has a solution.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the Wildfire Coffee Bailout Blend.
I've created this blend as an homage to our great land: Bold, Majestic, and Slightly Nutty. The coffee, however, is not Free.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my plan: For every pound of Wildfire Bailout Blend purchased, we will donate $2 towards the economic bailout package. By our estimates, we will only need to sell 350 billion pounds to steer this country from the dark clouds of doubt towards a brighter economic future!
"What's my role in all this," you may be asking yourself? The answer is simple, my friends.
Don't stop believing.
Do your part.
Buy a pound of Wildfire Bailout Blend.
Coffee is the greatest Uniter.
Until next time,
Wildfire Coffee Roasters
I, like many of you, am deeply concerned with the current economic crisis. As banks, mortgage, and insurance firms are grappling with the realities of the situation, we, the common folks that make up this great country, are left wondering, "What now?"
Home foreclosures, high gas prices and uncertainty at our local banks are combining to form a perfect storm of economic doubt. Worst of all, we've heard stories of some citizens faced with the agonizing decision of purchasing canned coffee at the grocery store!
In recent weeks, I created an exploratory committee to formulate a viable exit from this crises. This think-tank I spearheaded has a solution.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the Wildfire Coffee Bailout Blend.
I've created this blend as an homage to our great land: Bold, Majestic, and Slightly Nutty. The coffee, however, is not Free.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my plan: For every pound of Wildfire Bailout Blend purchased, we will donate $2 towards the economic bailout package. By our estimates, we will only need to sell 350 billion pounds to steer this country from the dark clouds of doubt towards a brighter economic future!
"What's my role in all this," you may be asking yourself? The answer is simple, my friends.
Don't stop believing.
Do your part.
Buy a pound of Wildfire Bailout Blend.
Coffee is the greatest Uniter.
Until next time,
Wildfire Coffee Roasters
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